Life with depression and anxiety

Before my dad died, I wouldn’t have really known or even thought about depression. Even in the mid 00’s I’m sure it was bad; but back then it was probably so hard to ask for help and there wasn’t so many places to go to ask for help. It still is now hard to ask help of course.

From the end of 2005 through to 2007, that was hell on earth. Life took a massive turn in the worst way possible. My dad was diagnosed with cancer late in 2005. Then in January 2006, a cousin of my died after getting hit by a car. In June 2007 my dad lost his battle with cancer. Then exactly 2 weeks after my dad died, another cousin died. A premature baby. It’s something I never dealt with really.

There was massive regrets too. A day before my dad died I had the chance to spend some time with him alone and I didn’t. Nearly 9 and a half years on that eats at me every day. It’s very difficult to accept I didn’t. I don’t believe in god or anything like that which definitely makes it tougher. He was very religious but I just think how on earth can you believe in god after all that happened in that 20 month period or so.

After that period, the depression slowly started to come and on the day he died, I was meant to start my end of year exams in school. The final couple of years of school were incredibly hard. Nobody knew about my dad’s passing apart from my friend. So I would end up going into the bathroom regularly during walks to classes because of huge anxiety.

There wasn’t really any help from the school really. For me it’s crucial schools take mental health seriously. From 8 or 9 years they need to be teaching them about looking after your mental health. If you don’t deal with it, it can be become a huge illness; even a disease in my honest opinion. Someone could be fighting a private battle and the person is hiding it very well. That was me. I don’t know how I managed to do it for the final 2 years of school but I did. It’s important for teachers/lecturers to learn about mental health and to look out for signs in kids. It could save lives all around the world.

Not dealing with the depression straight away was a massive mistake. I guess I was young and you can be a bit arrogant and I was hoping it would go away but obviously it didn’t. It’s gradually got worse as the year has gone on. Then it got a lot worse after 2013. I really hurt someone emotionally very badly and that’s something I’ll never forgive myself for.

I’ve been a massive tool/prick/insert your own word a lot in the last few years. I’m starting to realise that the hurt I was feeling from my dad’s death led to me wanting others to feel the hurt I was feeling. That’s completely unacceptable and not right at all. Just because I lost a parent didn’t mean I had the right to be a complete tool. I can of course only apologies to those people for it. Not that it would ever be enough.

As well as that… there is also the problem of me pushing people away. For years I’ve met a lot of very friendly and helpful people on twitter or wherever but on many occasions I’d suddenly stop talking to them for no reason. There’s no doubts that since my dad died that i’ve really got scared to get close to people. It’s constant negative energy and negative thoughts. I’d just think something bad would happen to these people too. An endless cycle of bad thoughts.

I promised myself at the start of 2015 that I’d stop doing it and overall I did. In the end it nearly ended up with me taking my own life. I put complete trust in someone and it’s turn out that person is a two-faced, backstabbing bi*ch, who used me for a bit of happiness and then got bored and dumped me like I was a piece of string. The absolute worst kind of person. I was fooled badly. You live and learn though. Every single day. I won’t be used like that again. She’s a human walking disease and a lying troll.

I took it very badly. After 9 years of depression and anxiety, the volcano that was building up in my head finally erupted. I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown. I literally couldn’t handle it anymore. Every day from May – August was complete torture. There was so many times I stood on a wall and almost jumped. The only thing that stopped me was my family. They saw what happened to my dad too. My mother had already lost her husband and my siblings had lost a dad; I just couldn’t go through with it.

I said on twitter I was dead and at the time it was actually a relief. Was it wrong to do it? Yes. But at the time I was mentally broken, in bits emotionally and drained physically. After what that bi*ch did, twitter was the last place I wanted to be. After saying it I still thought I would end things sooner rather than later.

I’m passionate when it comes to sports but even back in the summer I felt zero enjoyment watching them. I was having suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks and panic attack. It just seemed like the end was in site.

Eventually I got the help I needed; the help I should have got back in 2007 when the depression started. I also heard voices in my head for a year after my dad died. Sometimes back in 2008 I thought that he was shouting at me to go up to the field to help him. The shock that he’s gone still comes in big waves at times.

So I went to the mental health doctor in early August. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You could have replaced my eyes with running taps that day. I completely broke down after 9 years of mental and emotional baggage. I’ll never forget that day. After I let it all out, the day never seemed to end. Now it’s over 2 months ago and visited the doctor again in September and last Wednesday. The visit on Wednesday was quite good. I don’t need to go back until January; but of course I’ll still be taking antidepressants.

I hope some day I’ll get back to somewhere close to the way I felt pre-2006. I do think I’ll have depression for the rest of my life; but if I can keep it to the minimum and at an easily manageable level, I’ll be satisfied.

Even before my dad died, I had anxiety. I really don’t like talking in public places. As well as that I do feel very thick. Very low confidence and self-esteem. In all honesty you need those things to succeed in this world in my opinion. Being smart also helps. James is anything but smart though.

I’ve got a long journey ahead of me and as well as trying to fight the depression. I have to say this week has been the best for me mentally since 2013 probably. The tablets are really starting to kick in. Hopefully this continues and as time goes on I start to pick up confidence and self-esteem and the anxiety decreases somewhat. Those things also needs working at big time.

There’s so much more I could say about the reasons for my depression but it’s too personal and private for here. All I can say is I’ll do my best to beat this mental illness. Because that’s what it is. Finally sorry to the people who saw me say I was dead on twitter. I hope the stuff above explains it.

If you have depression and you are in a bad way, please talk to someone. It could save your life. It’s saved mine.

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