If you do struggle with depression and mental health like me, it’s probably best if you don’t read this.
Today I’m not feeling too bad but the previous couple of days have been extremely tough.
I usually wake up at 7am or so and quite quickly you know how the day is going to go mentally.
Let’s take yesterday as an example. On Thursday night a large part of my brain was hoping I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. It’s pure torture in my head.
I woke up yesterday morning and I felt shit immediately. In the afternoon I went for a walk but that didn’t make any difference.
So to what was going on in my head. In the morning after I woke up, the first thought was ‘I may as well be dead’. I just felt so worthless, useless and a waste of oxygen. The antidepressants didn’t work at all.
Why you may ask? As I’ve said countless times before, I just can’t seem to forgive myself for things and live with so many regrets. It just feels like a volcano in my head on the verge of exploding.
I was given the chance to spend some time alone with my dad as he was dying from cancer and to speak to him. Obviously he couldn’t speak or open his eyes because he was so ill but I didn’t do it. Yes, I was only 15 at the time but the regret I feel still is huge. It’s something I’ll never forgive myself for. A big part of me wishes it was me who had got cancer and not him. I feel like a complete failure.
Then in 2013 I really failed someone and let them down. As big of a regret as what I spoke about above with my dad. Since that happened the depression has got a lot worse.
Finally on regrets. The third biggest one happened this year. Opening up to the wrong person. Realising they were just using you all along for happiness; emotionally abusive and playing with your feelings + trolling you was so nearly the final straw on this planet for me. I just can’t believe I was stupid enough to believe she cared and had feelings for me. Complete lies. It was like being back in school when I got picked on for being quiet and standing quietly alone at lunch breaks.
As well as all that sometimes in my head I would think about, let’s say for example, when I would have got asked a question in school and got it wrong, that still destroys any small confidence I have to this day.
Obviously what happened earlier this year means now I can’t fully trust anyone at the moment pretty much. As well as destroying any morale, self-esteem and confidence I had which was so small already. I feel so incredibly stupid too. These have always been problems.
I’m so mentally drained and I hate myself so much. Every day is extremely hard. The odd good day but overall it’s hell. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.
I’ve almost been on this earth for 25 years now and to be honest I feel like I’ve been on the outside looking in on this earth for most of my life.
At the moment the only things that are keeping me alive are my mother, siblings, the animals and watching Kimi finish his F1 career.
There’s literally nothing or nobody else to live for.
It would be nice to have a genuine lady who would actually care about me and my feelings and put me first and be always there for me but that’s never going to happen. Of course it wouldn’t fix my depression but it would be nice to have someone by my side helping me. That’s how it goes as Kimi would say. Although he also said that everyone needs some love. True.
Lonely nights every night and nobody to talk to intimately but I’m used to it for over 12 years now. Depression, dark thoughts, anxiety and panic attacks on top of that is definitely hell.