What happens on days when I have very bad depression

I’ve written in previous posts about my depression which I’ve had since 2007.

But in this post I’ll talk about what I do on particularly bad days. As in actions.

This year has been the toughest mentally by a long way. Since May and especially May to August was incredibly difficult. I would sit on a wall on the farm we live on and think about jumping off it on a daily basis. It was like a volcano in my head and it so nearly erupted fatally.

Since August I’ve had counselling and trips to the mental health services on a monthly basis.

The action I took in going to the mental health services is definitely a big part of the reason why I’m still alive.

So I’ve been taking etalopro since August 2nd. I’ll never forget that day when I visited the doctor.

I was emotionally exhausted and mentally drained. I could barely speak because I was so broken. Massively long hair and a big beard. I was like a boxer on the ropes and still on some days I feel like that.

Anyway, in recent weeks I’ve had some good days and on some of those days there would be no dark thoughts. The first time in over 9 years. I became so used to the dark thoughts and it felt bizarre. In a good way obviously.

For no big reason why, since last Sunday until yesterday was the hardest few days I’ve had since going on the tablets/pills.

Anyone who follows me on social media accounts has seen me crumble a little bit in recent days.

On a very bad day, my mind goes into overdrive with regrets and dark thoughts.

What usually happens on these days is that I feel like I have no energy physically because mentally the volcano is simmering. So I’ll end up sleeping from 11pm to 11am and then sleeping again from like 5pm to 6pm. I’d suggest other people with depression would get this.

As well as that I usually post a lot of tweets about my thoughts and feelings on the very bad days. Emotionally a complete mess. Completely stupid to do it when I get up the next morning and think about it.

But at the time I simply don’t care about it because I feel so alone and the reality is I am anyway. I’ve isolated myself and it feels like pure relief to write my feelings down. Some things I don’t regret but other things I do.


Back in 2012 I followed a lady on twitter who suffered from depression and with her mental health. I did my best to help her. Sadly a few months later she died. I can’t say if it was suicide or not but it’s the most likely thing. I think about her quite a lot because she was a friend and it hurts. I don’t regret anything because I tried my best but the pain was too much.

I know I have bad depression but I still think it’s important that I try to help others. I don’t want others feeling as bad as I do about myself. For me it’s a small act of kindness and trying to help others feel a bit better about themselves. It really could mean the world to them.


Someone was constantly there for me over the summer and for the first time since my dad died; I felt someone actually wanted to help me without me having to start the conversation. Grateful is an understatement.


For sure it only takes a minute to ask someone how they’re doing and to see if things are ok. The smallest act of kindness could mean the world to them and make a difference. Please help a depressed person if you can. Even just listening to them.

I know what’s it like to be lonely and lost on a daily basis with no girlfriend to share good and bad days. Even a friend. The only person I talk to on a daily basis is my mother. Typing this in bed and nobody is currently talking to me. Even online feels like isolation now.


So please, look out for and help someone who is struggling. Even once a week or something. More care is needed in this world.


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