On Friday, I’ll turn 25 years old.
I should be a young man enjoying life, working and visiting places all over the world. Instead I have severe depression and anxiety, a terrible memory and fighting dark thoughts + massive fatigue on a daily basis. The depression is so bad I can’t work at the moment.
So it’s anything but a happy birthday. It will be a day full of regrets about so many things. Christmas will be even worse.
I’ve talked about my dad’s death in previous blogs so I won’t be explaining that again. There’s a lot of other stuff though.
I’ve told a lot of lies since he died. I’ve let people down, pushed them away and hurt them emotionally. After talking with the psychiatrist and counsellor it’s obvious I wanted people to feel the hurt I was feeling. I was so angry about my dad’s death.
A lot of friendly people online I would suddenly unfollow for no reason because I didn’t want to get close to anyone in case they died like my dad too. I think about it every day.
So online I’ve alienated and isolated myself too. My own fault really.
I really loved someone back in 2013. I couldn’t be honest about my depression back then and broke her heart by pushing her away and going so cold on her. A regret I’ll carry to the graveyard.
Then this year I thought I could forgive myself because I liked someone. Instead I got my karma for 2013. At least I didn’t troll like this bitch did though.
The tiny bit of confidence I had disappeared and now I always feel like an idiot who is a waste of oxygen. Then the mental breakdown happened.
I wandered out to the road regularly at night time for weeks. I just lost it.
I do feel awfully lonely and sad so often. Accepting my dad’s death is still something I can’t do. The pain and hurt is unbearable at times. Christmas day without him especially. A hammer blow to the chest.
I do feel like I don’t belong on this earth. A depressed, broken man with anxiety, a shocking memory, no self esteem or confidence.
The scary part is I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal again. I have no friends and the only birthday present I’ll get on Friday is from my mother. Fun.
I can’t wait for Christmas and at the moment life to be over.