Something a bit different to the usual stuff I write; but it’s still about myself.
Very much a person who doesn’t speak much. In fact barely. I was like this even before my dad died. I would definitely describe myself as an introvert person. I prefer to let the big personalities talk when I would be around people. Not that I am too often thankfully. I prefer to observe and work out the type of person I see. Do I talk enough? Probably not. I can’t help my shy nature and anxiety around people though. I always avoid large groups of people. Even if I saw someone I knew but they were with people I didn’t know, I’d avoid them. It’s something that may always be the case.
You may be thinking: “Oh, but you just said you are quiet!” That would be true; but if something needs to be said, I will say it. If someone plays with me and my feelings, the world knows about it. People who use you deserve no respect and everyone deserves to know what they are like. Same goes for people who mess my mother or siblings around. I will say what I think and to their faces. Of course I’ll be honest with myself too. I’ve done a lot of things wrong in recent years and it’s not acceptable. People have let me in and I’ve pushed them away. You can say lies too; but that’s because I wouldn’t be honest about my depression. Obviously hurting them emotionally in the process. So, yes, honest with myself and I definitely hate myself for letting people down.
Since I was a kid, I have been very sarcastic. Sarcasm is something I enjoy very much. It can bring joy to me in the darkest moments too. I know many people hate it and fair enough; but I love it. It’s good humour. I mean usually if my mother asks me a question or says something about the weather, the first thought is sarcasm. I mean for example: “It’s cold outside today.” “Well it is winter time.” Same goes for stating the obvious sports commentators or even anytime talking with somebody who likes a laugh or sarcasm. I mean there’s someone I talk to at the moment who is only a year older than me and I always call the person grandma or old and I suggest the person should have a walking stick. It’s good banter and fun. 👍
Even before I had depression, I would definitely have been a deep thinker. As a child, my dad would bring me to church. After he died I don’t go anymore. Even this year I didn’t go to his anniversary mass because of the panic attacks and depression. Even away from the religious nonsense, I would think and think and think some more. I constantly have doubts in my head. I mean my sports knowledge is good, but if there’s a quiz on TV and there’s time to think about the answer and I shout it at the TV, I would then over think it thinking I’ve got it wrong. It’s a regular problem unfortunately. I mean if someone doesn’t reply to a text message then I start to wonder what I did wrong. Also when I got stuff wrong in school or something embarrassing happened. It’s a constant battle even when I don’t have depression.
Something really positive in my life. Since I can remember I’ve loved sports. I mean it’s the one thing that’s got the fire in my belly going throughout my life and this very bad depression stuff. I’ll pretty much watch any sport; but the best feeling is when your favourite athlete or team wins a race/game/event. The buzz is almost indescribable. It’s just fucking amazing really. Comfortably my biggest passion in life. I turn from a low voltage person to a crazy kid when a sport I love is on. 😂 F1, Gaelic football, hurling and rugby in particular.
Definitely my biggest passion away from Sports. A more normal thing in this world I’d imagine. I talk more to dogs than I do to human beings. Even in my darkest moments a dog never fails to make me smile. They’re adorable and so cute really. Petting them and giving them cuddles is quite possibly the nicest feeling in the world. Knowing an owner treats their dogs well and loves them is awesome to see. Dogs really are a man’s best friend.
This is certainly something I’ve tried to do in recent years. For me this is actually really important. There’s a serious lack of kindness and generosity in the world. It’s honestly not difficult to ask someone if they are doing ok. Even with my depression and I see someone struggling like me, I would immediately check if they are ok. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t ask and they did something to themselves. Unfortunately I did ask and try to help someone a few years ago; but eventually they committed suicide. But at the moment it’s nice to be helping a genuinely lovely human being see the good things about life and seeing this person improve all the time. Someone who I’ve come to deeply care about since January; but even more since May. A massive help in the darkest days of my life so far.
That’s all from me in this blog. Peace 😊✌