2016: The worst year of my life; but one I’ll never forget 

2016. A dreadful year for me personally. It was even worse than 2007 when my dad died. 

The first four months were great. Lots of sales on redbubble, having feelings for someone who at the time I thought was a wonderful lady. Kimi doing well in the championship helped too. 

Things went downhill fast. Very fast. Redbubble closed my account for no genuine reason and then things went down with the bitch. 

Back in April on WhatsApp she told me that her best friend started chatting up a guy who was in a relationship and of course he did it back. Very classy indeed. At the time the lady I liked said she didn’t trust him (multiple times) and I thought that’s the right decision. 

Looking back now I should have told the lady that the snake was with about what he was doing behind her back. Had I known what was coming I would have walked away from it all and the lady I liked. 

Then by May after she had met him with her best friend; she had a complete personality transplant. Even now writing this 7 months on it’s still hard to believe how quickly she changed and turned on me. The biggest two faced bitch I’ve ever talked to and that’s some achievement I tell you. 

She wanted space and then I asked her why she’d suddenly got so close to him after what she’d said previously. Then she flipped out and accused me of control and jealousy. Quite extraordinary really. She blocked me everywhere then. 

I was devastated. I never saw her as a soulmate; but I really liked her. The devastation was mainly from 9 years of absolute hell inside my head. I thought things were finally changing with her but what she did tipped me over the edge instead. She then even started calling that guy as a bro. 😂 Embarrassing.

I begged her for weeks to give me another chance. Even while she was trolling me on twitter with the snake and accusing me of a lack of respect for him (pot, kettle, black). Looking back now how stupid was I? Very. I should have left it straight away. She had so much control over my feelings and thoughts that I thought for months it was my fault. Unbelievable really. It certainly wasn’t. I am not perfect; but I did my best and no regrets. It was her in the wrong. A lying troll. 

From June to August I had lost complete control of my mental health and emotions. In July on twitter things were so bad in my head I said I was dead. Of course that’s not acceptable at all; but at the time I thought it was only a matter of time before I ended my life. Apologies again. Physically I was alive; but mentally I was ill and dead frankly. I was in a daze. Watching F1 and MotoGP as if it was like watching paint dry. I would wander out on the road late at night too. Not to get hit but just lost the plot. 

The main reason of course for this breakdown was my dad’s death in 2007. I never dealt with it. Denial for 9 years about how bad my depression was. As I wrote before I have massive regrets for not spending time alone with him before he died. He died at home from cancer. It was terminal and he would never have beat it. 

There’s other regrets like hurting people emotionally. Many over the years. Why did I do it? I was so hurt and devastated by my dad’s death I wanted people to feel some of that pain. Obviously I massively regret it. I always will. 

I’ve also pushed many people away that I’ve got close to since 2007 because I didn’t want to be honest about my depression. I caused complete carnage and that’s in no way acceptable. Sorry is not enough obviously; but I can be honest about it and hold my hands up at least. 

Like I have a consisence and of course I’ll never forgive myself for these things. I’ve got plenty of karma and I have zero conplaints about it.

So what now? Since August I’ve visited the mental health services on three occasions. The first time I’ll never forget. A broken man who was all but dead back then. I’ll go back in January. Same for my bereavement counseling. Also taking tablets since August. My body is used to them now and of course a normal daily thing for myself. 

I’m very much depressed still and very isolated in life and online. 100% my fault obviously. Not having people to talk to on a daily basis hurts a lot. I can be very lonely and sometimes that hits me hard. Especially at night time.
Last week I said to my mother and siblings I’ve failed them as a son and a brother. All totally true. Even with the tablets and the support services, I still have dark thoughts and hate myself so much + no self esteem or confidence.
Obviously what happened with that bitch has changed me forever. I’ll be a lot more wary of people’s intentions now and who should I trust with very personal stuff. 

Also to put myself and my recovery first. Not let someone have complete power over me. In the end only you have the power to look after yourself and your mind. 

I hope 2017 will be better. I desperately want to enjoy watching sports I love again. I want to feel better mentally and chip away at the depression the best I can. Also to be nicer, caring and honest about my illness and other things. Being kind costs absolutely nothing. 

I wish everyone who reads this a great 2017. If you have depression like me then keep fighting too. Cheers. 

James. 

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