An update and trying to get the fire back in the belly

So, last Wednesday I was back at the mental health services and it was someone else I saw. It wasn’t great at all. 

Two hours late going in and then the lady was not great at all. She came across as a snob to me and I think she thought she was above me in my honest opinion. 

It’s almost she couldn’t understand what I was feeling and thinking. I think she thought I was lazy, didn’t do exercise and she did say my mood was OK. Clueless. I definitely don’t want to see her again. Sometimes in life you just don’t click with people or doctors or whoever. That definitely happened last Wednesday.

It’s totally impossible for people to understand how hard it is to live inside my body on a daily basis. 

When my father passed away in 2007, I pretty much died too. Sounds like a crazy thing to say; but it really felt like the fire went out of me that day. Pretty much every day I have depression and constantly hating myself and putting myself down; and if it’s not that, then I feel nothing on the inside. 

For sure sports are my biggest paasion and in the last couple of years when I’ve been watching, 99% of the time the passion that was there is no longer there. I still absolutely love many sports. It’s very scary to feel like I do on the inside though. 

In general in life I struggle to feel anything anymore and the motivation is awfully low. As I wrote in my other blog today, when people constantly treat you like shit, you feel emotionally and mentally drained too. You become sick of trying and then don’t feel anything. Mind you I get can a burst of emotion the odd time. Unfortunately it’s feeling like crying.

So the mental side is a long way off being normal and OK. But as well as that I need to feel stuff emotionally in a good way and try to enjoy life again. Thinking mainly when watching sports and trying to talk to people. Because even that at the moment is just going through the motions and struggling to trust anyone. 

I feel I can only open up to my mother, brother and two other people at the moment. Those two people shall remain unnamed. 

I really hope the fire comes back soon, because otherwise I’ll be sleepwalking to death. That’s the reality.

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