Before I get stuck in to this blog/piece or whatever you want to call it…. I know it’s not easy; but if you want to have any kind of healthy life, physically and mentally, then you really need to do it. It may take years of work but it needs to be done.
I’ve wrote on this blog before about my struggles and all that. I deleted them all to make it into one big piece really and might update it from time to time. Separately or a new post. We’ll see.
Yeah, there won’t be many people who read this who don’t know most of the things I’ve written here before but anyway, it’s important to write it all again.
My world turned upside down at the age of 12. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in October of 2005. A few months ago my mother told me he only had treatment to extend his life. He had no chance of surviving. Pretty big kick in the balls to hear that.
He passed away in the June of 2007. To say I was devastated would be the understatement of the century. Everything changed and I really did fall to pieces. Only now am I beginning to feel a little bit alive and coming out of the daze I’ve been living in for a long, long time. Also seeing how much carnage I caused with some clarity in my mind.
I was due to do start some important exams on the day he died. I never did them because, well, safe to say I wasn’t in the right head space for them.
I then went back to school in September and really if you asked me to remember much about the classes, I’d be struggling instantly. My head was somewhere else and the final exams in 2009 were an absolute disaster. I had horrendous anxiety and I couldn’t shake the image of seeing my dad in a coffin. Concentration was impossible + the fact I would classify myself as thick anyway certainly didn’t help 😉
I have to say before my dad’s passing, I didn’t really know about depression; but boy did I know after he died. Obviously in school there’s a lot of fantasy tales from teachers about how great life is. They never teach you about losing a parent or someone you love at a young age though. It’s not in their job description but to paint life as a perfect thing is bullshit.
So, yeah, getting back to the depression. It really started straight away after my dad died. I probably didn’t fully clock it until 2010 or 2011 though. As, I said, not the sharpest tool in the box. Depression is of course a terrible disease. It makes you feel very shit and feeling like a waste of oxygen and wanting to end it all. Also making you feel so stupid and constantly doubting yourself about everything. It’s something I’ve had for 10 years so it certainly has led to a lot of long, dark days and nights.
Also after my dad died, there was a lot of anger and hurt. Again, only since seeing the psychologist and doctors have I realized how bad it was. You try to block all feelings and thoughts when depressed and go into denial mode a lot. The anger and hurt was not just from my dad’s death though. Not by a long shot.
A lot of his side of the family abandoned us after he died. The worst thing about is they said they would be there for us and all of this fucking bullshit. We already had to try to cope with losing our dad and then they go and stick a knife in the back of us just to rub some more pain into the already broken hearts.
The problem was instead of dealing with all of the stuff above, I didn’t do that and total shit occurred. I mean it was 100% my fault. It’s certainly something I regret and I always will but it’s better to be honest about it than write lies and bullshit which I did quite a lot from 2009-2014.
So, yeah, I hurt quite a lot of people and let them down. When you talk with the wrong kind of people while you’re struggling a lot, it can get very bad. For sure that happened to me. Again, 100% my fault. I definitely wanted people to feel some of the pain and hurt I was feeling because of my dad’s death. Totally wrong and if you feel like this, then find a doctor immediately instead of doing what I did.
I would get close to people (including one person I loved, not anymore thankfully as I’ll explain below) and then suddenly out of nowhere I would cut them out. As well as what I said above, a fear of them dying played a role too. I still worry about something suddenly happening to someone I love out of the blue because when you lose a loved one young, that never changes really. Again, that’s something I need to try and continue to work on.
In the last couple of years I’ve said sorry a lot and thankfully some of these people I talk with again. They’re genuine apologies because I came a person that was horrible and toxic to be around. Added to lies and BS which was inexcusable. Of course some had no interest and that’s understandable. Hurting people only ends up biting you in the long run. Seek help if you are struggling and don’t take it out on other people.
Even away from that, my head was a total mess. My dad passed away at home. He wanted to die at home and he became so ill that the last three days he couldn’t speak or open his eyes so he had to be in a bed in the living room instead of upstairs in his bedroom before he died. Yeah, for years I slept on the carpet in the living room. Why? I don’t know. I guess I was looking for some comfort and that he was looking after me if I slept there. I can’t really explain it but it really shows how much of a mess my head was. As well as that I probably didn’t get a haircut for 2 years. If it got really long I would cut bits here and there myself. Then some days I would talk to nobody because I was in such a dark place mentally. I was just totally in pieces.
I did say to myself at the start of 2015 that I would stop pushing people away and to stop the carnage I was causing others and myself. For the most part I think I did. The first time I talked about my mental health problems were with a doctor in late 2015. I decided not to see a psychologist back then because I thought that talk on it’s own would help a lot. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I started getting close to someone again and this time it was no games or anything like that from my side. Instead you could say I got my karma. For sure I liked her and I definitely spoiled her. I really couldn’t have done any better. Unfortunately she was a complusive liar and I was the door mat you could say. She got rid of me like trash and that was the final straw.
After 9 years of mental pain, I completely cracked. I lost complete control of my mental health and it just collapsed. I was broken and finished. Pretty much every day I woke up wanting to be dead and almost took my life on many occasions in the summer of 2016.
It wasn’t what she did that was the main reason. It was my dad’s death and the guilt and regret of the stuff I did that was shredding me to bits. I’ll never forget crying in bed at 13:45pm on the weekend of the 2016 British Grand Prix. I slept through most of qualifying and I genuinely didn’t care. I was in total agony.
If my mother hadn’t all but dragged me to the psychologist, then I wouldn’t be here today. In the end the only reason I didn’t end it all was because of my mother and siblings. The only reason to live back in the summer of last year. I went in the room to talk to him and the emotions I’d bottled up I’d bottled up for 9 years all came out.
Trying to speak was so difficult due to the waterfalls that were coming out of my eyes. But it was the best thing I ever did. August 2nd 2016 is a date I’ll never forget. It’s taken quite a while and quite a few talks with psychologists and doctors; but slowly and surely I’m starting to get a lot better and the tablets are helping too. 20mg etalopro.
So, yeah, that’s my story really. Not exactly a great one but I think if it helps someone get help, then that’s the most important thing. The main reason I wrote It really plus it’s much better to be honest. Obviously. So, if you are depressed or struggling, please seek help. A life like that is nothing but hell. It’s not even a life really. You’re just alive in body only.
As for me? Slowly putting myself back together instead of trying to put others back together. Finally putting my recovery first. Putting my (mental) health first. Making myself happy and feeling OK in my own body. Not constantly beating myself up mentally. The most important person you can look after is yourself.
In quite a good place at the moment. Not looking to anyone else for happiness. Gaining some confidence and self-esteem. Just got a lot of work to do still. This will take time but I’m prepared for it. Please look after yourself. Put yourself first. Love yourself.
Most importantly though: “I strongly believe that if you are rude to someone, show anger to someone or even insult someone due to emotions that may be brought on by your mental health, you should apologise.